THE MEANING OF LOSS

By Meri, Aruba Boycott Contributor

This will be a different kind of blog from what I usually post on this site. It will be about Natalee and her family and her loss but in a round-about way. It will be about me and how it relates to everything we do and write to support Natalee's family.


Forgive me for getting to the point in a circuitous manner but it's how I am feeling and I want to be true to those feelings. This morning, on a quietly rainy day, I awoke depressed. I couldn't figure out why for several hours but little by little the truth emerged. I walked around my house, went outside to smoke, had my cup of coffee and turned on the news; all regular habits and nothing out of the ordinary.


I thought about mundane matters like what to make for dinner and if I would go on my regular shopping trip tomorrow and I did a hundred small things that I always do, yet, the depression wouldn't pass.


As I walked into my office for the hundredth time this morning I glanced at my over-burdened bookshelves and realized that I had moved Dave Holloway's book from my nightstand onto the bookshelves. I had read the book more than once, compared notes to what I know about the case several times and it was time to find a new resting place for the book. It wasn't that simple though. The book draws me like a magnet and whenever I glance at it I feel compelled to read it again in case I missed something...some clue...some bit of information that might lead me to do some research that might help the family find answers.


Nothing struck any chords within me and I put the book down. I came here to read the latest information that Michelle posts so diligently and discovered that Aruba continues to be unprepared to help tourists in distress and that they continue to be woefully unprepared to even maintain a safe environment. Nothing terribly surprising there because I have known for a long time that Aruba is a sham Island...a place with a pretty face with nothing behind it; a facade.


I thought about loss and my own children after that and realized that we all suffer little losses each and every day of our lives. Sometimes my kids don't call me for several days and I feel a loss. Sometimes I watch my husband (who has Alzheimer's Disease) slipping further away from reality and that's a little loss as well. Sometimes it's just the realization that I am aging and that so many things are in the past and will never be real again.


I figured that these little losses had gathered in my mind and finally exploded into a feeling of depression and hopelessness and then I looked back at Dave's book. What was I thinking? How could I even feel that my little losses were important when I looked at the pictures inside the book?


My children WILL call sooner or later and my husband could be worse off, I could comb my hair and look better and I know that I don't look my age so what in the world was I feeling so sorry for myself about? How could I compare anything that is happening in my life to the loss of a child?


What if it were me who had waved goodbye to my daughter or son one bright, sunny day and then discovered that they were missing and that the police didn't care. I would go on to find out that not only didn't they care, they didn't want to find out where my child was or what really happened to him/her. I would be lied to and led on a nightmarish chase from one moment of renewed hope to another so many times that my brain wanted to explode and my heart felt truly broken and empty.


I would have to wait over a year to discover that no one was doing anything and that my child was probably never going to come home and I would never see that child again. I would have to find a way to live with that and it wasn't going to be easy. No matter what I did it would not allow me to fill up that now empty space in my soul.


I imagined that this is how Natalee's family feels and I was transported to a place that was so bleak and so sad that I wanted to run away. I thought about how they can't run away and that this is a permanent part of their existence now. I snapped back to reality and suddenly my little losses were meaningless and insignificant but the depression didn't magically disappear and I felt no comfort knowing that I am better off than Dave, Beth, Robin. or Natalee's siblings and friends.


I finally realized how much this young woman and her family had affected me and how much I wanted to help them and how little I could do to realize those goals.


So, I am here once again; blogging my feelings and knowing that this is what I can do. I blog on another site and I get a lot of grief there...lies about me and about Natalee's family. Lies about money and the people involved in the case. I keep going back because why should I let people who are ignorant and hateful get the better of me?


I have been accused over there of being thin-skinned because I rebel at the attacks that are levied at me and the Holloway/Twitty's but I don't care about those accusations because I know that this has nothing to do with being thin-skinned. It has everything to do with the desire to see justice done and to see a family find peace where none has existed for almost fourteen months of their lives.


This quiet, rainy morning has taught me that feeling depressed is sometimes a wake-up call; a shrill voice in your head that says, "Don't quit, keep going. The truth is there, someone will find it someday". I said a little prayer after I thought about all of this and I asked for that truth to be uncovered sooner rather than later and I asked that Natalee and her family find peace. I believe that prayers are answered so I will get on with it and do what I need to do.


I will tell you, the reader, to boycott Aruba and to write your local politicians or whoever you can think of to ask that they help us find that justice and that truth. I will ask you to push ahead and do something proactive...don't just read what we write..help us find the truth.


If any of you who read here are on Aruba or in Holland or the USA and you know or saw anything that is relevant to this case then please come forward. I know that someone knows what happened to Natalee and that they are living with that knowledge and probably feeling unsettled about not coming forward. You can do it anonymously, I know that the family would respect your wishes. If you are afraid or uncomfortable about going to that awful and corrupt police force on Aruba than email Michelle and tell her that you have information that you want passed on to the family directly.

Just come forward NOW.

Too much time has passed...too much suffering has taken place and there is no end in sight. Don't just boycott Aruba......tell us if you know the truth or part of the truth. You will not regret it and you will sleep easier. You will also know in your heart that you eased the suffering of an entire family of innocent people who did nothing to deserve what has befallen them. Do it for them, do it for yourself and do it because it's right.


My apologies for talking about myself but it lead me to what I needed to say here and that's what I needed to do. Help them....please.